I wish I could punch you in the face.
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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