lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
