dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
