I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
