all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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