your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
