Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
