I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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