I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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