Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
