And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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