I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
