Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
