bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
