Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
