I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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