I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
