I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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