I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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