Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
