last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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