it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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