it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
