There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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