shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
