I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
