I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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