sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize