just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
