please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
