if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
time to smoke my breakfast
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
