a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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