peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
