Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
