Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
