Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize