No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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