Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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