I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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