Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
