I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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