nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
