he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
