i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize