I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
