I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
