Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
