The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
