Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
