if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I forget how to act sober
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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