Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Randomize
