You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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