The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
