My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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