He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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