youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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