Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
