Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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