If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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