Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
