i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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