Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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