I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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